Jokers Wild
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Naruto's an old soul, but the seal on his former life begins to wear away under the pressure revealing someone... much like himself!
1. Chapter 1

**Jokers Wild **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter. Truthfully, I don't own a whole carload of anime or series from popular media. Man, am I depressed now! **

**Chapter 1**

Naruto carefully set his alarm before lying down. Tomorrow was the big day when they assigned teams and he didn't want to be late. It was a shame he never took the same care with actually setting the time on it are he wouldn't have had nearly as many problems with being late to class.

Naruto waved to the cheering crowd from the balcony of the Hokage's Tower. He was the youngest Hokage ever, having been promoted straight out of the academy just for being too awesome for words. Turning to the pink haired girl at his side he froze for a second. She looked… older than he expected. He opened his mouth to say something but an air horn went off.

Sakura looked in her compact and frowned before reaching up and pulling her hairline forward to make her forehead smaller.

Again he opened his mouth to say something and that air horn went off again.

***Beep-Beep-Beep***

Naruto's alarm blared, waking him up.

"Huh?" he said, slowing looking around before noticing how high the sun was and leaping out of bed, screaming, "I'm late!"

Naruto rushed for the bathroom while a pair of clones got his clothes together and started the Ramen. After a few seconds of thought they got out a couple more cups of instant ramen. Minutes later, Naruto burst out of the bathroom, dressed himself while eating his Ramen with one hand, nodded thanks to the clone buckling on his pouches for him and vanished with a crack.

The two clones looked curiously at the spot Naruto had been standing a moment before. "Well that was different," one finally said before dismissing it as unimportant.

"Wanna go make some cash so we can score some Ichiraku's Ramen?"

"Let's roll," the other clone said, not bothering to answer.

* * *

Everyone jumped as Naruto arrived with a loud pop, still eating his Ramen. It'd take a lot more that discovering he had a bloodline to make him stop eating his Ramen before he finished.

"Naruto?" Shikamaru asked irritably, annoyed at having Ino on his team and if you want to get down to it, annoyed at being on a team himself. "Don't you have to graduate to be on a team?"

"Yeah, big mess, long story, classified but the end result is I passed. Good thing for you they don't bar assholes though."

"Hey!" Chouji exclaimed, coming to the defense of his best friend.

"Point," Shikamaru conceded. "I'm a bit irritated at the way the team selections were done."

"Ohh, took a peak, huh? I'm guessing you either got Sasuke or a fan girl to be that irritated, unless it was both Sasuke and a fan girl." Naruto shuddered. "I think I'd slit my throat if that happened."

Unseen by Naruto, Shikamaru's eyes shot open and he watched as Naruto took his usual seat.

"What's wrong?" Chouji asked.

"Naruto's probably going to off himself when he hears the team announcements," Shikamaru warned.

Whatever Chouji's reply would have been was drowned out by Ino and Sakura arguing and wedging themselves in the door. Somehow, Sakura managed to squeeze herself in before Ino and rush for the coveted seat-next-to-Sasuke, which she found Naruto sitting in. "Move, Naruto! I want to sit next to Sasuke!" she all but screamed.

Naruto turned to face her and his ready smile faded into a contemplative look as he met her eyes. Inner Sakura had been gloating about getting the coveted seat as soon as the flattened the pest that occupied it now, memories of the satisfaction she felt smacking Naruto down for getting in her way or dissing Sasuke bubbling up around her. "This kinda puts things in perspective," a familiar voice said from behind her.

Inner Sakura whirled around and found herself facing Naruto, a Naruto without his trademark grin as he stared at her impassively, as if he was judging her. Sakura stumbled back shaking her head. "If you wanted the seat you should have gotten here earlier or at least asked nicely," Naruto said, and annoyed look on his face.

"I-I," Sakura stuttered, unsure of how to deal with this drastic change in the status quo.

"Whatever, find a seat," Naruto said turning around.

Sakura tried to find a seat nearby, but the two empty spots she saw on her way down to the front were now occupied by Shikamaru and Chouji. Sighing she headed for the back of the room as Iruka burst into the room and started assigning teams.

**Five minutes later…**

"Shadow possession complete!" Shikamaru called out, surprising Iruka who turned and found Shikamaru was preventing Naruto from cutting his own throat.

"Naruto?!"

"What?" Naruto stopped trying to kill himself. "You stuck me with an Emo and his fangirl! It's either this or become a pirate."

"What?" Iruka asked confused.

"The dead last is always paired with the Rookie of the Year," Sasuke said. "Though I could really do without you or the fangirl dragging me down."

"Oh please," Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "My grades and training were screwed with, Shikamaru did just enough to keep above last place so no one would expect much from him, Yachiru has an uncle she plans on training with so she kept her scores low to avoid attention, same with Ichi over there. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that most of the students in the lower half of the grading curve did some decent work on getting the spot they chose. Me and the lazy bones already knew we were picked for the teams because of chakra reserves and bloodlines, so our grades didn't matter. Still annoys the piss out of me that mine were screwed with though."

Sasuke blinked and took a closer look at the class. Most of the genin who were going to join the common ranks were snickering or sharing easy grins with their classmates, clearly satisfied with what they'd gotten. They'd probably never get beyond chunin, but their life would be a lot safer that those picked for the teams who were all expected to make chunin in a couple of years and jounin in five on average.

"Yep, mostly dealing with village duties and paperwork. Barring the occasional caravan escort or grunt work for a major Leaf project outside the village, they'll even sleep in their own beds every night. Some morons call them part time nin, or other insulting names, but they are the ones who do something like eighty percent of the work needed to keep the village running and when we get infiltrations they are the ones who usually find and report them."

Before anything more could be said the Jounin instructors came and claimed their teams, leaving Naruto's team waiting for theirs with the common nin, who were waiting for their section assignments.

"Can I please have your seat?" Sakura asked Naruto.

"The one on his other side is open," Naruto pointed out, the class having shifted around as teams were announced.

"Thanks!" Sakura said, quickly claiming her prize.

"So where's our sensei anyway?" Naruto asked Iruka, who was finishing up some paperwork.

"Kakashi is notoriously late," Iruka replied. "I wouldn't expect him to show up till sometime after lunch, way after."

Naruto made a single handsign, producing a dozen clones. "see what you guys can dig up. I'll be at Ichiraku's."

"Naruto you idiot, Illusory clones can't-" Sakura began having recovered from her earlier shock, but Naruto vanished with a crack and his clones ignored her to argue about who would do what.

"How did he do that?" Iruka asked curiously.

"I don't know," Sasuke replied. "His clones should have dissipated and they shouldn't be able to move things like they are."

"No, I know about that," Iruka said. "I mean how did he vanish like that?"

"No one's asked him yet," Sasuke offered, while silently wondering why the 'Not-Dead-Last' was suddenly spouting secrets and how he'd missed them before.

The clones all vanished, sounding like popcorn popping and leaving Iruka cursing, "Damnit, I should have asked one of his clones. Oh well, I'll see if I can catch him at lunch."

* * *

Naruto dropped his fork in the sink and put his empty cup of Ramen in the trash. He'd always known that when he made Genin things would turn around for him, but not even he had expected things to go this well! It was like everything had fallen into place. He understood things that had confused him before and he had even gained a bloodline! He'd known how to teleport from one place to another like it was the most natural think in the world and he'd been able to look inside Sakura… Haruno's mind. It had been so easy, like he'd done it before and was just remembering how!

Entering Ichiraku's ramen, Naruto was surprised to find he was already there, several times over. "Didn't I send you guys out to gather info on Kakashi?"

"We played Rock, Paper, Scissors for the right to ask Teuchi, I won," one of the clones said. "The other two are from this morning."

Naruto looked at the three clones eating Ramen and the pile of bowls next to them. "You guys didn't drain Gama-chan, did you?"

"Nah, hit the red light district and acted as tour guides for a couple of people," one of the clones said. "And he was with me."

"I'm sponging off of these two," the third clone said.

"Cool, any info?" Naruto asked, signaling for Ayame to bring him a couple of bowls.

"Sure, take a look." The clone handed him a notebook.

Naruto read through what the clone had written. "Huh, he sure knows a lot."

"Comes from being so old," Ayame giggled as she handed Naruto a couple of bowls of Ramen. "Not that I mind having more of you around, but how are there four of you?"

"Shadow clones," Naruto replied with a proud grin.

"How can I tell the original from the clones?" she asked curiously.

"Clones don't have bellybuttons," Naruto joked with a straight face.

"Let me see?" Ayame asked reaching for his waist.

"Ayame!" Teuchi called out from behind the counter in shock, since he'd only caught their actions, not their words.

Realizing what it looked like, she turned bright red.

"Do you have a bellybutton?" a dark haired man in his mid-thirties, who looked like he worked in an office, asked.

"Yeah, why?" Naruto replied.

"Because if you have a bellybutton… then you didn't just appear from nowhere, it means you had parents," the man said seriously, like he was imparting a secret of the universe.

"Oh?" Naruto said, his eyes opening wide as he got the hidden subtext. If Naruto had a bellybutton, he couldn't be the fox sealed in human form, because that being wasn't born of a woman. Naruto lifted his shirt and Ayame reached forward and pulled a small ball of lint out of his bellybutton.

The only person too young to know about the fox was Ayame, so the rest of the crowd was suitably awed by the demonstration of Naruto being an actual human being. "Can you show us the…" the man's voice trailed off as he remembered Ayame was there.

"Ayame," Naruto said as the girl looked around and wondered why everyone was so shocked. "I'm about to let you in on an S-ranked Secret that only me and the old man are allowed to talk about, okay?"

She nodded, sensing the seriousness of the moment even as the crowd gathered around.

"The nine tailed fox couldn't be killed, but it could be contained… in a newborn baby. The reason people treat me the way that they do is because half think I am the fox sealed in human form, and the other half thinks I'm being controlled by it, or could be at any moment." Naruto channeled a bit of chakra and the seal appeared.

"Hard to believe that a human sealed something like that," one of the civilians said, shaking his head.

"He didn't," Naruto replied. "The Yondaime used his seal to summon the Shinigami and in exchange for his soul the Shinigami sealed it."

"That actually makes me feel better about it," the civilian said agreeably. "'Cause I can see the Shinigami pulling it off."

It was a reassured and respectful crowd that departed the store with one of them calling back, "Best put it away, some kids are coming in."

"Naruto?! What are you doing!" Iruka screamed as he looked over the crowd and saw what looked like Naruto buckling his pants.

"Hey!" one of the women who had been in in the crowded restaurant admonished Iruka. "He is a man! Do not speak to Uzumaki-sama that way!"

Iruka stood there twitching with a confused look on his face and two puzzled genin behind him.

Ayame pulled Naruto into a hug. "I'll always be there to keep it lint free," she promised.

"One bowl of Miso," Sasuke ordered, hungry and not wanting to deal with whatever Naruto was mixed up in. There was also a trace of jealousy seeing Naruto and the Ramen waitress holding each other so closely, but he quickly buried it. He needed no one and attachments would just get people killed.

Sakura motioned to the three clones sitting and eating Ramen. "You can eat?"

"We can do anything but bleed," one of the clones said in between bites as the other two clones gave him approving looks for making such a badass statement.

"Yeah, but won't all of the ramen you ate just drop to the ground when you pop?"

The three clones' eyes shot wide open at the horrifying thought of losing Ramen they had already eaten! The two clones from the morning turned to the third. "You've eaten less than we have, pop," they chorused. With a sigh, the third moved to the middle of the floor and vanished into smoke, leaving not a trace behind.

"Where the hell does the ramen go when you pop?" Sakura demanded.

"Normally it'd make a mess on the floor," Iruka admitted confused.

"Not even the icy grip of the Shinigami itself shall deprive me of my Ramen," Naruto swore as the memories hit him and he realized what had happened.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't notice that, as it creates a lot of disturbing questions," Iruka decided.

"Suit yourself," Naruto said as Ayame released him to continue with his meal.

"I will ask about that vanishing technique you did though," Iruka said, getting back to his reason for hunting Naruto down.

"Bloodline… I woke up and realized I could do it and it was easy," Naruto replied. "I'm in one place, and suddenly I'm in another, miles away, instantly."

"I see. Well you better inform the Hokage, because I believe he'd be interested in it."

"Okay," Naruto said and vanished with a crack.

"I actually meant after lunch," Iruka said with a sigh.

One of the two remaining clones summoned and dismissed a clone, who ignored his attempt to get him to pop and vanished with a crack.

* * *

The Hokage stared in shock.

"New bloodline, cool huh?" Naruto said.

With a crack, another Naruto appeared. "Iruka said after lunch."

"Oh," Naruto replied. "Later old man." With a loud crack, Naruto vanished. The clone waved and vanished likewise.

The Hokage lit his pipe and leaned back in his chair. "I knew that seal was too complex to track everything it did, but I always thought your idea of using seals to create a new bloodline was nothing but a pipe dream. I wonder how many other surprises it holds."

* * *

Iruka groaned. "Never mind," he said, knowing explaining things to Naruto would just result in him teleporting back and forth from here to the Hokage's office again.

The latest clone groaned as well. "Forgot, I need cash. See you in an hour." He left with a sigh.

Iruka and Naruto's teammates waited for Naruto to explain. Naruto ordered another bowl of Ramen, completely missing the fact that they were waiting for him to answer a question they hadn't asked.

"Fine, I'll ask," Sasuke said. "Where is your clone going for cash?"

"Probably going to hunt down a nervous or easily embarrassed tourist and lead them to what they're looking for," Naruto replied. "They usually tip pretty well."

"Oh," Sakura replied thinking Naruto was taking them around to different shops. Sasuke thought much the same thing as Sakura while Iruka had a much more realistic idea of what's going on and decided he didn't want it confirmed.

"So what's the limit of your new bloodline?" Iruka asked.

"Limit?"

"How far can you teleport, and how much can you carry?" Iruka explained.

"The farther it is the more draining it is," Naruto said thoughtfully. "I could carry Sasuke to Suna for instance, but it'd wipe me out for a couple of hours and I need to know the place before I can go there."

"And it's instantaneous?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah, or close enough that I can't tell."

"Suna?" one clone asked the others with him.

"Suna," they agreed before they vanished.

"What's with that?" Sasuke asked, not willing to wait for one for the others to remember that Naruto generally ignored or didn't notice unasked questions.

"We've never seen Suna before, so they're going there."

"I thought you had to know the place?" Iruka asked.

"Or see it," Naruto said. "It'll take a lot longer, but they can just port as far as they can see and then do it again and again and again until they get where they're going."

A couple of female Naruto's looking like mother and daughter came in and handed Naruto a folder before ordering Ramen, which Naruto paid for.

"Strengths, weaknesses, implanted bloodline, you guys got it all," Naruto said as he read through the file.

The older looking clone smirked. "Played barmaid for an hour. ANBU have really loose lips where alcohol and women are involved."

"I played eager academy student," the younger looking clone said. "A bright and cheerful smile and some impressed expressions and on-duty nin were eating out of the palm of my hand."

"Great job, both of you," Naruto said with a grin.

"Man, I'm full," she said after inhaling a bowl. "Body's a bit too small to hold more than one bowl. Oh well, I gotta let the old man know about the four infiltrators that the Ranks caught, so he knows they were us at work."

"Infiltrators?" Iruka asked.

"Yeah, I had a group try and get his records but they caught us as usual. The old man will have me filling out reports so he knows of any weaknesses we found and who to give recognition to for catching them," Naruto said.

"Let me see everything we've got, and I'll con the old man into connecting it so we have fewer mistakes," she offered.

"You think you can trick the Hokage?" Iruka asked doubtfully and received a lot of laughter in response.

"Nah, the old man will probably know what we're doing before we do, but as long as we're reasonably sneaky about it and it's in his interest, like say finding what info is available as well as what lies are, he'll let it slide," she said before vanishing.

"Being Hokage isn't just about kicking ass, you also gotta know what's going on," Naruto said, proving he actually did listen when Sarutobi explained things. "Like right now, we gotta get back to the classroom because Kakashi is on his way."

"I thought he'd take longer," Iruka said.

"He had someone check the classroom to see if we were still there," Naruto replied. "Probably wanted to see how long we'd wait."

"Can we get back before he arrives?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto summoned a dozen clones. "Delay him," he ordered just before they vanished. "Easily. I'll port us."

Sasuke stood up and Naruto put an arm around him as the other female clone did the same to Sakura before all four vanished.

Iruka shook his head. "That boy never ceases to surprise me."

**Typing by: Last Primarch!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Jokers Wild **

**Chapter 2**

The three appeared in the classroom with a trio of loud cracks.

"That… felt weird," Sakura said shaking her head.

"Yeah, but it's the quickest way to travel I know of," Naruto said.

The other two genin took their previous seats.

"How long until Kakashi gets here?" Sakura asked.

"Not long," Naruto promised, just before the door opened.

A silver haired jounin with a mask, covering the lower half of his face and an eye patch over his left eye, poked his head in the door. "Sorry for the delay, I was attacked by a large group of squirrels with nunchucks. I'll meet you all on the roof."

Naruto created a couple of clones and apparated them all to the roof before Kakashi could arrive.

"Squirrels with nunchucks?" Sakura asked as the clones poofed away.

"It was strange enough to slow him down," Naruto replied. "Stopping a jounin is difficult, even for a dozen clones working together, but delaying one just requires weirding him out a bit."

"Makes sense," Sasuke agreed, just before Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves.

"You guys are quick," Kakashi said in shock. "I suppose we should introduce ourselves. Tell me your likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams."

"Who should go first?" Sasuke asked.

"Just go right to left," he decided. "Broody, you're up first."

If Sasuke was upset at the manner of address he didn't show it. "My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I like few things, I dislike a lot more and my dream is my goal, to kill a certain man and restart my clan."

Sakura squealed while both Naruto and Kakashi rolled their eyes.

"My name is Sakura Haruno," Sakura quickly began, not wanting to hear what nickname Kakashi would come up with for her.

Naruto looked into his new sensei's one visible eye and found himself standing in darkness staring as a dozen screens, one of which showed Sakura breaking into her little rant about hating Naruto after a bunch of lecherous giggles concerning her future plans.

"Thanks for hosing our chance for advancement Sakura," Naruto grumbled, standing up as he released his link to Kakashi's mind.

"What?" Sakura asked confused.

"I can't believe you're supposed to be the top scoring kunoichi," Naruto shook his head. "Well, I'm out of here. I gotta go meet jiji and explain my new bloodline."

"I haven't dismissed you yet," Kakashi said.

"So?" Naruto asked. "You won't be taking us as genin after what these two have said and if you ain't my sensei I don't give a shit what you say."

"That's a bit of a leap," Kakashi said, "You just met me."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Before we are officially genin we have to pass a test set by our prospective sensei. No one has ever passed your 'test' and I doubt they ever will, but that's beside the point. You look for teamwork in your potential genin and Sasuke has shown his only interest is his own goals and Sakura is only interested in Sasuke. Sakura's little hate speech just clinched things. Have I missed anything?"

"How did you know about the test?" Kakashi asked.

"I get around," Naruto said blandly, not willing to trust Kakashi with any of his secrets.

"So what's wrong with my test?"

"Let's see… it requires a group of three people to work together and sacrifice one of them to pass. That kind of behavior and thinking isn't required until chunin level and is actually the opposite of what you teach, so a team that passes is actually the opposite of what you want. Of course as a Jounin Sensei it is your job to teach us teamwork and help us develop the kind of camaraderie that the Leaf is known for, but apparently you'd much rather just sit around and read porn than pass on any of the skills your sensei taught you."

Kakashi winced recalling Kurenai giving him this lecture last week and finding himself contemplating her words once more.

"Later," Naruto said, vanishing with a crack of displaced air.

"What was that?" Kakashi asked intently.

"He developed some sort of bloodline today," Sasuke said. "Is what he said true?"

Kakashi looked at the two genin hopefuls. "Yes it is. I have no interest in teaching anyone who isn't a team player. I don't intend to lose a team because they couldn't work together."

Sakura paled. "So… we fail?"

"Normally I'd suggest you quit being ninjas since you understand nothing about teamwork and send you back to the academy, but I'll give you one chance. Find and convince Naruto you want to be his teammates. Meet me with him at seven AM tomorrow in training ground thirty four if you succeed," Kakashi said before vanishing in a swirl of leaves.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Hey jiji," Naruto said as he appeared with a loud crack.

"Naruto," Sarutobi replied with a smile. "Finished your team meeting already?"

"Sasuke did his 'I'm an avenger who needs nobody' intro and Sakura followed it up with her 'Sasuke is so cool and I hate Naruto' speech."

Sarutobi winced.

"Yeah, I peeked in Kakashi's head and saw he'd already decided to fail us, so I left," Naruto replied.

"Peeked in his head?" the Hokage asked curiously.

"Uh huh," Naruto said proudly. "I can now teleport from one point to another and peek in people's heads!"

"That sounds very useful," Sarutobi said, signaling for a hidden ANBU member to fetch Anko. "We may have you taken on as an apprentice rather than on a genin team if your bloodline proves useful."

"You called Hokage-sama?" a purple haired woman in a trench coat asked, as she appeared on bended knee.

"Indeed I did. Naruto Uzumaki meet Anko Mitarashi, she's one of my most trusted aides."

"Pleased to meet you," Naruto said, struggling not to stare at her cleavage, which was framed by the meshed undershirt she wore, which was just visible beneath her trench coat.

"Likewise," Anko replied, hiding her amusement as she stood up.

"I'd like you to escort Naruto to Inoichi's office, he has just uncovered a talent that Inoichii should find… useful."

"Gotcha boss," Anko said putting an arm around Naruto and vanishing in a swirl of leaves.

"Enter," the Hokage called out as someone knocked on his door a second later. Looking up from his paperwork he smirked. "Kakashi, what can I do for you?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

They appeared in a nondescript hallway Naruto standing stiffly with his eyes forward, ignoring the woman beside him and the numerous masked ANBU rushing around.

"Go ahead kid," Anko said with open amusement. "I don't want you to hurt yourself trying not to look. You have thirty seconds where I swear not to take offense."

The words were barely out of her mouth before Naruto had buried his face in her cleavage and was inhaling deeply. Anko was so shocked she didn't do anything, not having expected this.

Naruto popped out of her cleavage like a jack in the box. "And on the eighth day God created breasts, and said they must come in pairs! And it was good, nay, it was great!"

A couple of ANBU stopped and nodded.

"For though a man only has one mouth, he has two hands!"

"Amen," one ANBU member said.

"As a babe it nourished and sheltered my body and as a man it nourishes and shelters my very soul!" Naruto proclaimed.

"Yes!" several ANBU members agreed loudly.

"When hurt it comforts and sad it cheers," he preached, his audience growing as more masked nin stopped to listen and nod.

"Sing it, brother!" someone called out.

"Anko Mitarashi, I would become Hokage and start the next Ninja War to conquer the Elemental Lands, for the manpower needed to build a machine that would let me tap that ass!" Naruto finished with a roar to a tsunami of applause.

***Thump!*** Naruto fell over unconscious.

"Is he still alive?" someone asked.

Anko smacked herself in the forehead. "I have contact poison on my tits, I'd better give him the antidote."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Where does the dobe live?" Sasuke asked.

"I don't know," Sakura admitted. We should ask Iruka, he'd know.

"He's gone home already," Sasuke said. "The registrar should know."

"What'll we say to get him to change his mind?" she asked.

"Whatever it takes," he replied. "Lie if you have to."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"A new bloodline?" Kakashi asked in shock.

"He obviously has his mother's," Sarutobi said, "But it looks like his father's ideas for designing a bloodline worked as well."

"What is his new bloodline?" Kakashi asked.

"Telepathy and teleportation so far."

"So far?"

"I don't know what all he had planned."

"Orders?" Kakashi asked, figuring this changed things.

The Hokage waved it off. "I'm having Inoichii look at him, it has nothing to do with whether you accept him on your team."

"Good," Kakashi said. "You don't think that the bell test is too hard do you?"

"No," the Hokage chuckled amused. "It's the perfect way to test a genin team and see if they're ready for chunin."

Kakashi winced.

The Hokage lit his pipe. "I always assumed it was your way of saying you didn't want a team."

"Sensei gave us that test," Kakashi said.

"And only Obito passed it if I remember correctly," Sarutobi replied. "The test was an object lesson for after he'd decided to take a team. It was never intended to actually test a group of academy students."

"So I failed all those students…" he trailed off.

"And I put them in the ranks," the old man replied. "A couple of years of intense training and they do just fine."

"Apparently the same amount of time I've had my head up my ass," Kakashi said with a sigh.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"He's coming around," Inoichi said as Naruto blinked and sat up.

"What hit me?" Naruto asked.

"I coat my breasts in contact poison to deter trespassers," Anko explained.

"Contact poison?" Naruto asked.

"Yep."

"What kind?"

"Why?"

"So I can start building up an immunity without having to lick your cleavage… wait never mind, that sounds like fun."

Anko laughed.

A blond haired man cleared his throat to attract their attention. "My name is Inoichi Yamanaka, you probably know me best as Ino's father," he introduced himself.

"Nice to meet you Inoichi, I'm Naruto Uzumaki and I can peek inside people's skulls."

Inoichi grinned. "Let's test that, shall we?"

Naruto looked into Inoichi's eyes and found himself surrounded by TV screens, a lot of which were either filled with static or had nonsense playing on them.

"You're in," Inoichi admitted in surprise, having seen no hand signs or sensed any chakra buildup.

Naruto paid careful attention to the screen showing hand signs and instructions on how to perform the mind switch jutsu and almost had it memorized when the screen switched to static.

"Damn!" Inoichi cursed. "You almost got that one."

"Ino's already done it tons of times," Naruto said. "Didn't you even try to teach her to keep it a secret?" He quickly focused in on a screen where ino was a few years younger and was looking up with love in her eyes as Inoichi explained the jutsu.

Suddenly all the screens went blank and Naruto found himself floating in a fog. Sighing he pulled back into his own head and frowned at the sleeping Inoichi. "Another few seconds and I'd have had it."

"Had what?" Anko asked checking on Inoichi, who'd used a forced sleep jutsu on himself.

"The mind transference jutsu," Naruto replied.

"What?!"

"I've probably got the whole thing truthfully, but experimenting with it is probably dangerous. It takes more than hand signs to make a jutsu."

"Wakey, wakey," Anko said, shaking Inoichi awake.

Inoichi yawned and snapped awake as he recalled what had happened. "That's one hell of a bloodline, I had to force myself to sleep to throw you out."

"It didn't throw me out," Naruto said, "it just dropped me in a fog."

"You were still in contact with my sleeping mind?" Inoichi demanded.

"Lotta fog, not much else, so I pulled out."

"We'll start your training with one of my clan's genin," he said as he considered the enhancement of his bloodline if Ino had Naruto's child.

"I can also teleport," Naruto said appearing in Anko's lap with a crack of displaced air and sticking his face in her cleavage.

"I didn't sense any chakra buildup, did you?" Inoichi asked.

"Not even a hint," an amused Anko said setting Naruto on his feet.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"This is the place," Sakura said, rechecking the address while Sasuke pounded on the door.

"He's not answering, probably moping over failing," Sasuke said pulling a few pieces of bent wire out of his pocket and starting to work on the lock.

"What are you doing?" Sakura hissed.

"Picking the lock," he replied matter-of-factly. "He's either sulking or not home, and waiting outside does me no good in either case. Now keep an eye out."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**Yamanaka Residence**

"Ino, this is Naruto, you probably know him from class," Inoichi said. "I need you to teach him basic mind reinforcement and ego defenses."

Naruto frowned, thinking of all the insults and put downs he'd had to put up with in school, but before he could say anything Ino seemed to have gained his bloodline as she read his mind and teleported across the room, shoving a cookie in his mouth and pushing her father out the door.

"We'll be fine by ourselves," she said closing the door.

Naruto finished the cookie and looked around Ino's room wondering what bug was up her ass. Pink and frilly seemed to be the words that described her room the best, though it did have a decent amount of edged weapons tucked here and there.

"You can't tell my father what I'm like in school!" Ino growled. "He thinks I'm a delicate little princess!"

"And I should care?" Naruto asked bluntly.

Ino winced. Naruto owed her no favors, especially with the way she'd treated him in school. "Please? I'm begging here. I'll…I'll owe you a huge favor and I'll treat you nice from now on."

The emotion behind her words was actually intense enough to make him wince. "Fine, just stop feeling!"

"You're an empath?" Ino asked in shock.

"Apparently," Naruto said in surprise. "Telepathy, empathy and teleportation."

"That's quite a list," she replied.

"Shouldn't you have a shrine to Sasuke in here?" Naruto asked trying to make small talk.

"If I'm going to work with you you're going to have to swear to keep some things secret just like I'll be doing for you," Ino said seriously.

"I gotta check with jiji first," Naruto said, figuring telling a nin was different from telling the civilians. "I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share some secrets,"

"That's fair," she agreed. "Will it take long? Cause we can't begin until you swear."

"It'll just take a minute, be right back," Naruto promised before vanishing with a crack.

***Crack***

"Hello Naruto," the old man said, always glad to have a break from his duties. "How are things with Inoichi?"

"Pretty well actually," Naruto said cheerfully. "Me and his daughter Ino are going to be working together and I wanted to get permission to let her in on my secret."

"It's a big responsibility," the Hokage warned him, "but it's your secret to share."

"Thanks old man," Naruto said thankfully.

"Hokage-sama!" a bear masked ANBU said shunshining into the room. "Uzumaki's teammates have torched his apartment."

The Hokage's pipe fell from his mouth.

"They claim it was an accident and self-defense."

"Self-defense against my apartment?!" Naruto yelled.

"Haruno is still in shock and the Uchiha confirms that something in the fridge attacked them," the ANBU reported.

"Meatloaf wouldn't attack anyone!" Naruto exclaimed. "And I fed him this morning. That prick Sasuke owes me a new apartment!"

"I'll let him know," Bear said.

"Have him transfer one of the small properties on the edge of his district to Naruto," the Hokage said. "Tell Inoichi I said you were to spend the night at his place and we'll settle things in the morning."

"Ok," Naruto said with a sigh before vanishing again.

"I don't think he even noticed I was here," Kakashi complained.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"That's handy," Ino said as Naruto reappeared. "What's wrong?" she asked reading his mood in an instant.

"Sasuke and Sakura torched my apartment."

"You're kidding."

"I wish. The Hokage said I'm to stay here for the night and we'll settle my problems in the morning. I got permission to tell you my secret though."

"So what's your big secret?" Ino asked. "You're the fourth's secret love child? No, I know, you are the true last Uchiha!"

Naruto laughed. "Nah, but it does have to do with the fourth."

"Yeah?"

"He didn't kill the Kyuubi," Naruto said, deciding not to beat around the bush. "The only think he could do was seal it away and the only thing that could handle it was a newborn. He sold his soul to the Shinigami to seal the nine tailed fox in me. Jiji said he wanted me to be seen as a hero for helping to save the village, but instead they decided to treat me like the fox, so a law was passed making it illegal to tell anyone. You can see how effective that was at giving me a normal life." Ino didn't say anything and after a couple of seconds of silence Naruto began to wonder if she was even breathing. Looking into her eyes he reached for her mind…

Ino stood surrounded by TV screens sorting and adding notes to various trains of thought and memoires. "That's very rude," she said, not looking up from what she was doing.

"What is?" he asked confused.

"Barging into someone's mind," she replied absently, while rechecking her memories of the way various teacher treated Naruto.

"You froze up," he replied, distracted by a screen showing a memory of Ino examining herself in a mirror. "Your breasts aren't that big and you've never had acne like that."

She blushed. "Self-image is subjective and I froze up because that changes a lot of what I thought I knew, so now I have to re-examine things."

"Oh, I was worried you'd think I was the fox," he admitted, trying to ignore some of the scenes he caught glimpses of out of the corner of his eye as Ino pushed them onto screens out of his direct line of sight.

"Please, I may pretend to be an airhead at times but that doesn't mean I am one. I just can't picture the fox having an orgasm over ramen or crushing on Sakura."

Naruto flushed, forcing his eyes forward as several interesting scenes flickered by when she mentioned… ramen, and then again when she mentioned Sakura. "My crush on her is a thing of the past, I've seen inside her mind and I want nothing to do with her anymore."

"What's wrong with Sakura?!" Ino demanded and Naruto found himself drawn to a screen showing Ino comforting a crying Sakura a couple of years past.

"The joy she took in my pain," he growled. "I find it hard to like someone who enjoys hurting me."

"Annoy someone enough and that happens," Ino said flatly.

"Sasuke and Sakura are here," Naruto said, "your father just let them into your room."

Naruto felt her irritation at Sasuke and was amused. "At least I'm not the only one who feels that way."

"Keep it to yourself, please."

"We're ninja of the leaf," Naruto said. "You keep my secrets and I'll keep yours." He looked at her in shock and spun around scanning all the screens for a moment. "You like her!"

Ino's blush said it all.

"I'll keep it to myself, but you could do better." He smiled. "Want me to get rid of them?"

"I'll be out in a minute just keep them busy, please."

"Fine," Naruto said as he withdrew from Ino's mindscape and realized only a few minutes had passed.

"-and that's why we need you on the team," Sakura explained.

Naruto blinked and rubbed his eyes. "I was just in Ino's mindscape and missed all of that, not that you're mind wasn't yelling loudly about what a lie it was anyway."

"Listen Uzumaki, Kakashi has given us another chance to pass, but we all have to be there," Sasuke said.

"You two burned down my home," Naruto said bluntly, clearly unhappy.

"I'll replace it," Sasuke said.

"The Hokage already ordered it replaced from your property," Naruto said.

"I'll do you one better, I'll replace it with the hot springs hotel," Sasuke said.

Naruto frowned. "I'm already guaranteed a place working with Torture and Interrogation, while if I go with you two, I'd be stuck with you until I reach chunin."

Ino blinked and regained her senses while they argued.

"I don't feel like spending the next couple of years on a team where I'm continually insulted and expected to kowtow to someone I don't like," Naruto said bluntly.

"I'll be nicer!" Sakura swore.

"I'll… be nicer too," Sasuke said reluctantly.

Naruto was about to turn them down anyway, but he felt Ino pleading with him as well, even though she didn't show anything on her face. "Fine, but you all owe me," he said.

"Fine," Sakura and Sasuke chorused.

Feeling Ino's relief, he sighed. "When and where?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto appeared with a crack, dressed in black and outfitted like a proper ninja, much to Sasuke and Sakura's surprise.

"You guys burned everything I own, remember?" Naruto asked, seeing their reaction. "Inoichi gave this to me."

"Sorry about that," Sasuke apologized, thinking he may have overreacted a little even if he wouldn't admit it out loud.

"There were tentacles!" Sakura said shivering.

Naruto sighed. He'd liked his pet meatloaf too!

"Where is Kakashi?" Sasuke wondered.

Naruto gestured and summoned up a dozen clones which henged into squirrels with nunchucks and vanished in a series of cracks like popcorn popping.

"Squirrels?" Sasuke asked.

"He never appears on time, so I'm going to give him a squirrel phobia," Naruto replied.

"With nunchucks?" Sasuke asked.

"Exactly."

"Seems fair," Sasuke said trying not to snicker.

**Typing by: Last Primarch**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"A squirrel is going to run past with an orange book," Naruto announced. "Nail the squirrel with a kunai, but don't damage the book."

"On it," Sasuke said, trying to show he was willing to work together.

"Can I ask why?" Sakura asked.

"Cause Kakashi is always reading it and the squirrel is leading him here," Naruto replied.

"And my popping it makes it look like we're unconnected to the whole thing and should gain us some good will," Sasuke said.

"Exactly," Naruto agreed. "Here it comes."

A squirrel wearing a hitai-ate with an hourglass on it, carrying a pair of nunchucks and an orange book, passed by the edge of the clearing they were sitting in. Sasuke nailed it with a kunai causing it to vanish in a cloud of smoke.

"That's a new one," Naruto said aloud.

"What was that?" Sakura asked playing along.

Sasuke walked over to retrieve his kunai and picked up the little orange book. "Icha Icha Paradise," he read aloud before opening up the book and looking inside.

"What's it about?" Sakura asked.

Before Sasuke could answer Kakashi was suddenly in the clearing holding the book. "I'll take that."

A red faced Sasuke rejoined his teammates.

"I'm glad to see that you all showed up," Kakashi said cheerfully. "Despite some initial setbacks I think you'll make a fine genin team. As it's been pointed out to me, the bell test is something that is better suited to testing if genin teams are ready to make chunin, but as it's traditional with me, I'll put you through it all the same. Keep in mind, I don't expect you to succeed, this is just a test of how well you can work together and your basic abilities."

"What's the bell test?" Sakura asked.

"I'm glad you asked that," Kakashi said with a smile that caused the corners of his one visible eye to crinkle. "I have two bells here on my belt and it's your job to get them off me. Whoever doesn't have a bell by the time noon rolls around will be tied to a pole and forced to watch the rest of us eat."

"I'm on a diet," Sakura told her teammates. "I was planning on skipping lunch anyway."

"One less meal isn't going to kill me," Saskue offered, often training through lunch himself anyway.

"I ate a big breakfast," Naruto said, Ino's mom having decided he was too small and he needed to eat more.

"Normally I'd make sure you didn't get breakfast," Kakashi said. "But I missed it this time, as I wasn't sure you'd all be here. Come at me with intent to kill or you have no chance," he warned.

"Are you suicidal?" Naruto asked worriedly.

"What? No!" Kakashi blurted out. "I'm a jounin, even if you three work together you shouldn't be that big a threat to me."

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged glances, neither needing to be mind readers to know that while killing Kakashi still wasn't the plan, maiming had just been added as a goal.

"The test starts… now!" Kakashi announced.

"Fall back and regroup!" Sasuke ordered, throwing a handful of shuriken to cover their retreat.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Jeez Kakashi!" Anko said as he entered the bar all the jounin usually hung out in. "What happened to you?"

Kakashi's one visible eye was blackened and his left arm was in a sling. He walked with a visible limp and bandages peeked out from inside his shirt. "I told my team to come at me with intent to kill."

"The Uchiha more skilled than you expected?" Asuma asked amused.

"No, he was solidly skilled, it was Sakura and Naruto that surprised me."

"Really?" Anko asked amused.

"Sakura knew about the tigers in the Forest of Death and Naruto teleported half a dozen right on top of me while Sasuke kept me pinned down," Kakashi admitted.

"Teleported?" Asuma asked curiously.

"New bloodline," Kakashi waved it off. "A rain of tigers was the last thing I expected."

"He is something," Anko said amused.

"And with Sakura's knowledge and Sasuke's skills added to the mix they are very dangerous," Kakashi said. "Well I wanted a team that worked well together and I got one. I just didn't expect this level of cooperation this soon."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"And here are your keys," Sasuke said, handing a ring of keys to Naruto.

"Can I look around?" Sakura asked.

"Sure," Naruto said, unlocking the door and creating a couple dozen clones that scattered throughout the property.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"No one has lived here in a long time, even if you have people paid to come through and clean and repair the place they can miss things," Naruto explained as they entered.

"It's beautiful," Sakura said as they entered the hotel and she looked around the lobby.

Naruto took in the fountain in the middle of the atrium, the weapons and artwork on the walls and nodded. "Yeah."

"My mom used to make father take us here once a month as guests," he said softly.

"Dibs on the princess suite," Sakura said snatching up a key and running off.

Naruto opened his mouth to say something, thought better of it and shrugged. "What room would you like?" he asked Sasuke.

Sasuke looked surprised. "Are you offering me my own room?"

"Sure, we're all on the same team and it's not like I don't have the space now," Naruto said.

"I-" His thoughts went back to a happier time. "I think I'd like that."

A clone came in and said, "The mud baths need to be raked through to remove leaves and other stuff that's fallen in."

Naruto made several clones who henged into well-built females in tiny bikinis and bounced off.

Sasuke gave Naruto a curious look.

"Who would you rather see covered in mud?"

"Point," Sasuke admitted, surprised at how well he was getting along with Naruto and how much the blonde boy had changed.

A couple of clones trickled in. "The grounds are good."

"Sasuke's moving in, help him pack," Naruto ordered.

The clones nodded and henged into a couple of bland looking men who'd be easily overlooked and with no identifying characteristics.

"Why the henge?"

"I like henges and I've found people are easier to deal with when they don't know I'm me."

"I… can see the sense in that," Sasuke admitted. Turning to the clones he said," Follow me," and headed off to pack followed by the clones.

"Utilities are on," a clone reported. "I checked to make sure everything was connected and working. We need a couple of bulbs and a lot of groceries, but we're good otherwise."

"I need a dozen clones with lots of chakra for staffing," a clone said, henging into an older man that combined the features of Naruto and Inoichi.

Naruto nodded and closed his eyes concentrating on drawing up his chakra until his body began to glow. "Shadow clone jutsu!" he called out, creating a dozen clones and collapsing to his knees from the drain. "Shit! I may have overdone it a little."

A clone helped him to a chair.

The mature looking clone looked over the dozen. "Half need to be female for maids and attendants on the female side of the springs. The other six, think gardener, janitor, and masseuse."

The clones henged several times in quick succession until they were all different, except for the uniforms with the Uzumaki swirl they all wore.

Naruto took out Gama-chan and checked his funds. "I got enough for some basics, but things are going to be tight until we get mission pay to replace all my missing equipment."

"And you are going to be late meeting Ino if you don't leave right now," the clone behind the counter pointed out.

Naruto vanished with a crack, just before Sakura came back downstairs. "Naruto, Sasuke?" she called out.

"Naruto has training with Ino and Sasuke went to retrieve his belongings so he could move in as well," the older looking clone behind the desk said, as he familiarized himself with everything there.

"Sasuke's moving in?" Sakura asked wide eyed. "Um… who are you?"

"I have no name," the clone replied. "Naruto created me to man the desk. DO you need workers to help you move?"

"Um no," Sakura said, having meant it as a joke earlier and needing to use the restroom, but now seriously considering it. "If I move out of the house before I'm sixteen my parent's would go nuts."

"So you're probably only going to be here during weekends and such?" he asked.

"Exactly," she agreed, delighted to find a happy medium.

"Remember to let the maids know in advance when you'll be here, but for now I'll put you down for weekends so they'll know to have your room prepared."

"Thank you. Are all the facilities available?"

"The hot springs are open, the mud baths are almost ready for use, we lack a chef so the restaurant is closed, our bartender can probably handle basic drinks so the lounge is open, massages are still available, but it's strictly amateur night there until the current masseuse gets some experience."

"I think I'll try the hot springs," Sakura decided.

"Just remember the rules," he reminded her. "No breaking things or popping the employees. No fangirling allowed on premises. Off premises feel free to go nuts, but while here Sasuke gets to relax, cause everyone deserves to be able to rest when they're at home, just think of having Naruto at home and at school when he was chasing you."

"Can't argue with that," Sakura said after a moment's thought. As much as she liked Sasuke and wouldn't admit to being as annoying to him as Naruto had been to her, she could admit that being pursued without a break… homicide became a lot more justifiable than you would imagine.

"Excellent," the clone said cheerfully. "Have fun and if you need anything, let the spring attendant know."

"Will do," Sakura promised before dashing off to the hot springs.

She'd just gotten washed off when she heard Ino and Naruto's voices coming from the mixed bathing area. Wrapping a towel around herself she entered the mixed bathing area and found the two blonds naked and arguing over a book.

"It's insane!" Naruto argued.

"No, just insanely difficult," she contended. "And that's because wall walking comes way before that."

"Oh," Naruto frowned. "Got any way we can do it in the water? Cause after the day I've had I want to soak."

Ino paged through the book. "Not that one, it'd kill us."

"Which one?" he asked curiously.

"Water breathing, it's a high jounin skill," she replied. "Ahh, here's one, it's supposed to do something involving water and chakra and is pretty easy, just time consuming."

"That sounds good," Naruto agreed.

Sakura retreated, glad the two were distracted and trying to pretend seeing them naked hadn't had an effect on her.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Sasuke sank into the hot water on the men's side and truly relaxed for the first time in what felt like forever, the familiar surroundings and the sounds of Ino and Naruto splashing and arguing drifting over the wall separating the mixed bathing from the male side, lulling him to sleep. The clone acting as attendant for the male side kept Sasuke from drowning and signaled for two clones to take the sleeping genin to his room.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Sakura relaxed, enjoying the heat, but spotting movement from the corner of her eye turned and saw a Naruto clone in female henge reading a first aid manual at the attendant station.

Her first reaction was to get angry, but she noted the clone was paying a lot more attention to the book she was reading than her, which after a moment's reflection was rather insulting, according to inner Sakura. Being at odds with herself was nothing new so she did what she normally did in this situation and tried to get more information so she could decide whether to be upset or not. "Naruto, what are you doing?" she asked, moving to the side of the spring closest to him.

"Reading up on what I'm supposed to do as a female attendant," the female clone replied. "I knew I had to watch and keep people from passing out and drowning, but there are apparently more medical things to watch out for than drowning. Did you know that going from cold to hot and vice versa can stop a weak heart?"

"Really?" Sakura asked interested.

"Yeah, this book is filled with things we have to watch for, like pupil dilation, panting and pale skin. I thought being an attendant would be easy, but there are a bunch of things to memorize if you want to do a decent job."

"Oh," Sakura said.

"And we have to have attendants for all three sections for safety sake, otherwise people tend to fall asleep and drown."

"How long do you clones last?" Sakura asked.

"As long as we have chakra to burn," the female clone said. "I have enough to last… huh, I'm not sure, we've never made clones with this much chakra."

"Wouldn't it be better to make the original Naruto read it since the knowledge will be lost when you poof?" Sakura asked.

"He gets all my knowledge when I poof," the clone replied.

"That sounds useful," Sakura said. "I could learn all sorts of things with multiple me's."

"You don't have enough chakra," the clone said. "The Shadow Clone jutsu is on the Scroll of Forbidden Seals because the chakra needed can kill most genin and some chunin. Jiji says that even jounin rarely use it because of the chakra costs."

"But you throw them around like its confetti," Sakura pointed out.

"Two possibilities," the clone replied, "either I have more chakra than anyone or I'm doing it wrong."

"I'm pretty sure you don't have that much chakra," Sakura said. "So you must be doing it different than the original technique."

"Well… it was a complicated technique," she admitted, not yet willing to share the secret of the Fox. "And I was rushing against the clock and in the dark."

"How did you-" Sakura began.

"Classified," the clone interrupted.

Sakura sighed. "We need a copy of the jutsu text to find out what you are doing different than the original, because there has to be a reason they don't do it your way."

"I could have stumbled on a better way, but yeah you're probably right. I'll be right back."

***Crack***

The Hokage raised an eyebrow at the female Naruto clone who'd just appeared in his office. "Sorry to bug you, but Sakura has offered to help me go over the Shadow Clone jutsu to figure out why I can throw them around like rice when the original jutsu really should exhaust me after a dozen, even if I had jounin reserves."

Sarutobi pulled a couple of scrolls out of his desk and handed them to the clone. "Read the scroll on chakra exhaustion before anything else," he said, already having planned for this.

"Will do, thanks jiji!"

***Crack***

"You got it that quick?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah, but we gotta read a scroll on chakra exhaustion first," the clone said.

"We better get started if we want to get anywhere," Sakura said, always happy to have something new to study.

"Dry off and a clone will meet you at the massage tables," the female clone offered. "We don't want to get the scrolls wet."

"Good point," Sakura said.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

**7AM the next day**

Kakashi barely avoided a barrage of acorns from the red furred menaces that had taken up position in the trees surrounding the memorial stone. He didn't know who had the squirrel contract, but when he found them, they would pay for their attempts to steal his precious!

"Who put you up to this?" Kakashi demanded, flinging kunai as he dodged the two pronged assault of the nunchuck using ground squirrels and the acorn launching tree squirrels. "Answer me!"

The squirrels froze in mid assault before vanishing in a cloud of smoke, leaving Kakashi standing with a kunai in each hand half crouched over.

"Sensei, what are you doing?" came a voice from behind him, causing him to spin around only to find his genin team standing there.

"Nothing, just practicing. What are you all doing here? I was planning on having you all wait for me for a couple of hours to get you used to being around one another."

"We live together," Sasuke said, "how much closer do you need?"

"Any closer and Sakura is going to have a hard time walking," Naruto said.

Sakura turned bright red and a drop of blood dripped from her nose. Sasuke barely caught her before she fell over.

"I was actually referring to how close we were standing together," Naruto lied. "Of course if Sasuke had made a 'heads or tails' comment we probably could have knocked her into a coma."

Sasuke set Sakura down at the base of a tree. "I'd rather have a competent kunoichi on our team than a fangirl."

"Tell her she can fangirl it up when we go out for lunch or dinner," Naruto suggested. "Give her a time and place to get it out of her system and things should g smoother, plus convince her you want a strong kunoichi for when you settle down and it should channel that energy somewhere productive."

"But that is what I want," Sasuke said. "When I settle down and have children it won't be because I want to have children and settle down, it'll be because I must for the sake of my clan and bloodline. It'd be nice if the girl is one I know and care for, but at the moment that's a pipe dream."

"We got some years to go before any of that's an issue anyway," Naruto said. "In the meantime you'll be happy to hear she's been working with one of my clones on increasing her skills. She's been studying chakra exhaustion and helping me with my clones."

"I actually do like to hear that," Sasuke said. "You may not have been the dead last, since your scores were sabotaged, but you certainly weren't rookie of the year either. If she's helping you shore up weaknesses and doing the same for herself we'll have a more well-rounded team."

"A trifle condescending, but exactly the kind of thing I like to hear from my minions," Kakashi said cheerfully.

"I try," Sasuke said dryly.

Sakura had recovered enough to hear what had been said and found herself blessing Naruto for his anti-fangirl rules and studying with her last night. "I'm up, let's get to work," she said cheerfully.

"I was planning on a week or so of familiarization with genin rules and regulations," Kakashi said thoughtfully.

"Not to make a big deal of it or anything, but I have to replace everything I own and shop for groceries, which costs money. Lecture us while we work if you don't mind," Naruto said.

**Later**

Kakashi strolled along behind his genin as they carried loads of building materials from the yard out to the wagons. "And genin are not allowed to strike civilians unless they are caught breaking the law or actively disrespecting the nin in question," he read from a small blue book.

"Really?" Naruto asked with an evil grin, ignoring the sweat dripping down his face.

"Yes, but no more than one broken bone for each occurrence please," Kakashi ordered politely. "And really a fat lip or a black eye will usually suffice to make your point, try not to abuse this law."

"How about a live carp stuffed in their shorts?" Naruto asked causing the rest of the team to pause and stare at him.

"It's annoying and outrageous," Naruto said. "Minor injury, major insult and requires you to bathe and change clothes."

"It makes the person a target for public ridicule without causing serious injury," Kakashi said. "I like it."

"That's just for nin-civilian relations right?" Sakura asked.

"Yes, we nin just beat each other up like normal people," Kakashi answered her as they reached to carts.

"Good!" Sakura said as they got back to work.

"Use of ninjutsu to commit crimes will result in having your chakra sealed for the length of your sentence," Kakashi read. "You guys are young and this is the easiest time to increase your chakra. A sentence of two years at this point would require five years of hard work just to build up your reserves to where they would be otherwise."

"Where do pranks fall in that category?" Naruto asked.

"Depends on damage done and if they can be deemed malicious," Kakashi said. "At any rate, no pranking civilians."

"Woo Hoo!" a ragged cheer came from the civilians walking down the street who happened to overhear. THE explanation and the cheer spread down the street and out into greater Konoha.

"Okay, maybe I overdid the pranks a bit," Naruto admitted as Konoha's first spontaneous carnival formed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Kakashi bit his thumb before flashing through half a dozen hand signs and slamming his hands on the ground. "Summoning no jutsu!"

A cloud of chakra smoke dispersed revealing a dozen summoned dogs of various breeds, all notable by the Konoha hitai-ate they wore and the keen intelligence that shone from their eyes.

"Where's the fire?" a small pug asked.

"The enemy is several dozen summons, Pakkun," Kakashi snarled. "They're hidden in the bushes and the trees, armed with acorns and nunchucks!"

"What animal?" the dog asked curiously.

"Squirrels!"

The dogs howled and scattered before Pakkun could give them orders, determined to take down as many of the enemy as possible.

"He has a summoning contract," Sasuke said, surprised, as they watched from the bushes.

"Good animal choice too," Naruto agreed.

"You pretty much have to accept whatever one you can get a hold of," Sakura explained. "Summoning contracts are rare, so its catch as catch can."

"My book!" Kakashi growled. "Chidori!" His right arm was covered in lightning as he shot forward, spearing several squirrels and retrieving his pilfered book.

The orange book promptly turned into a squirrel who smacked Kakashi in the forehead with his nunchucks, making Kakashi realize he still had his book in his pocket.

"Someone had to have made them in the first place," Naruto said. "We should research it."

"First shadow clones then summons," Sakura said. "We'll make a note to research summon contracts later. Focus is important."

"When it comes to research, you're the boss," Naruto agreed.

The three genin sat down and waited for Kakashi to finish, which he did with his summons' very enthusiastic help in just under half an hour.

"Nice work," Kakashi told Pakkun. "You and the boys performed admirably."

"It was our pleasure," Pakkun assured him. "Call us if you need us."

The summons vanished and Kakashi turned to find his three genin watching him. "I guess we're getting another late start."

"Only until we know you well enough to impersonate you," Sasuke offered.

"Then we'll replace you with a clone," Sakura admitted.

"By then, Naruto should be skilled enough to break into your head for the things you should be teaching us," Naruto said.

"Clone?" Sasuke asked.

"Naruto's training with Ino," the clone admitted. "Hokage's orders, but that doesn't mean I'd leave you guys shorthanded."

"Gotta love shadow clones," Sakura said.

"It's not mandatory but it is appreciated," the clone said.

Sasuke tried to cover a laugh by coughing as Sakura blushed.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Asuma raised an eyebrow. "You're helping us out of the goodness of your heart?"

"No, I'm doing it so I can get more alone time with Ino," Naruto replied.

Ino turned bright red while Chouji and Shikamaru looked Naruto over.

"They're getting younger and younger," Asuma muttered shaking his head.

"I'm working with him because his bloodline crosses over into our clan's specialties," Ino explained.

"That's what I said," Naruto agreed.

"What about your own team," Asuma asked.

"Shadow clone," Naruto replied.

"You've got enough chakra for that?"

"Easily," Naruto assured him before turning to Ino. "We'll use the mud baths today rather than the hot springs."

"Elemental manipulation or an alternative to water walking?" Ino asked, not noticing the looks her teammates exchanged with Asuma.

"I didn't even think about walking," Naruto admitted. "I think elemental manipulation should be our focus for now though."

Asuma lead them to the Hokage's tower while considering his options regarding the genin who had attached himself to his team. Inoichi was known for being overprotective of his daughter and Asuma really didn't want to know what he'd do to him for letting Ino spend a lot of 'alone time' with Naruto if he didn't actually authorize it, so best to separate the two for now.

"Got any out of town D's?" Asuma asked Iruka. "Preferably ones that require camping overnight?"

Iruka sorted through the mission scrolls and pulled one out. "I have a three day D rank that's borderline C due to the possibility of animal attacks."

"Animal attacks?" Asuma asked as Iruka handed him the scroll to examine.

"It's mostly fence repair, but it borders areas high in nature chakra," Iruka explained for the younger nins sake.

"Forest of Death," Asuma said knowingly. "Well, someone has to keep the things in the forest from escaping," he said, privately amused but trying to appear solemn.

"The Forest of Death?" Chouji asked concerned.

"They have these huge tigers-" Naruto began.

"The ones you dropped on Kakashi?" Asuma interrupted.

"He said he wanted us to kill him," Naruto explained.

"Sounds dangerous," Shikamaru muttered.

"It's fence repair, we wouldn't actually be going into the forest," Asuma assured them. "However, it is a bit distant and since we'll be gone overnight, I'm afraid you can't come," he told Naruto.

"How do you figure?" Naruto asked eying Asuma as he did various teachers who had sabotaged his training.

"Because travel time to and from here would interfere in your meeting with your own team," Asuma explained. "We're going to be a couple of hours away."

"I can travel that fast in an instant," Naruto replied.

"Good, I hate camping out," Ino said. "You can teleport me home and back, right?"

"Sure," Naruto assured her. "Besides, your dad said I'm invited to dinner and that your mom would do horrible things to me if I missed it."

"Yep," Ino remarked brightly. "No one does mental torture like a Yamanaka."

"That reminds me," Naruto said, pulling a scroll out of his pouch. "Your father gave us an exercise to practice."

Asuma relaxed a little bit, but sent a message to verify it anyway, because as Ino said, no one does mental torture like a Yamanaka.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

The Naruto at the front desk raised an eyebrow at the approach of a small group, including a young pair that appeared to have just gotten married.

"Yes, can I help you?" he asked politely.

An older gentleman with grey hair and piercing blue eyes but a friendly smile asked, "Do you have room for a small party? I'm afraid the inn we reserved overbooked and I don't wish to scatter our wedding guests, it's an ill omen."

Naruto snapped his fingers creating half a dozen clones, who henged into bellhops, causing the group to applaud as most civilians rarely saw ninjutsu preformed outside of battle. "We weren't scheduled to open for a few weeks," the desk clone said, " but for the sake of marital bliss I'll make an exception for your party. Be aware that our staff is almost completely untrained and we have no cook."

"I always bring my personal chef with me," the older gentleman assured him.

"Then welcome to the Red Jester hot springs hotel, where the staff has trained more in the ninja arts than actually serving the public and only those you personally approve of may lodge here during your stay, with the exception of a few local nin who are already in residence," the desk clone said grandly as the wedding party cheered.

**Typing by: Last Primarch!**


End file.
